6-23-11

I apparently am running out of titles already.. HMM. Oh well. Today has been pretty uneventful so far. My children decided it would be a wonderful idea to wake up at 730.. I on the otherhand do not agree! I have just been so tired here lately. Masen's eating schedule is all off track so my sleeping is as well! He was almost sleeping through the night but now we are up at least twice sometimes three times. gfhbkk Masen says HI!

Addison right now is playing dress up with my clothes. Really wish I knew how to post pictures on here so I could post just how silly she looks!
My workout at the gym last night was killer! I swear if I haven't lost any this week i will be shocked! I have worked out 3x this week at the gym and am planning on starting something simple here at home in addition to the gym.  I feel like I started off strong in the beginning of  my journey and yet here i am 7 weeks in and starting to feel a little discouraged already. I guess as long as I am not gaining I will be okay. I have a small goal in mind though and it just seems so difficult to attain. I would like to have lost 30 lbs(or more) by October(that is on top of the 7 I have lost already so 37 in total). That will put me at the weight I was when I got pregnant with Masen and then I will only have 53lbs to lose to get to where I was when I got pregnant with Addison. That is a weight I am comfortable at though WW has me needing to be about 8 lbs less than that. I am hoping that by this time next year I will be where I want to be.

All this weight has really messed with me. My self esteem is just horrible because I feel horrible. I know I am not my weight but I swear I feel like I am. I feel as if people look at me and they don't see ME, they see all this weight. I hate seeing people I went to school with because the last time most of them saw me I was skinny! Some I had seen when I was pregnant but then I was pregnant so it was different. I am blessed though. Blessed that I have two beautiful children.Blessed that I have a boyfriend who loves my body this way just as much as he loved the one I had when we first got together. I was thinking the other day how sorry I feel for my boyfriend because he is stuck with "this me" and not the "old me" like he had signed up for. I felt guilty that he didn't get what I call the best of me because my body and I guess mentality has changed since we first go together and I feel as if past boyfriend's got the best and they didn't deserve that. But then I continued to think about it and came to realize, yes he doesnt have the best body me, but he does have the best ME. He has me as the mother of his children he got to help and watch me create life and raise children and make a home. He gets to see me succeed at doing the hardest thing ever. An he well he gets my heart the whole thing for the rest of our lifes. He gets me, all of me. He is the only person who knows everything about me, he is my best friend. I can tell through the whole weight gaining thing that he does love me for me and whats inside. He finds me beautiful no matter what I look like. I don't know about you but to me that is true love, unconditional love. I know deep down that I can make it through this and lose this weight. God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle. I have just shyed away from the "challenge" for too long. Time to beat this battle instead of continually fighting it over and over. I can do this for me and for my children.

This ended way longer than what I intened and way off track but I feel better getting everything out. I will check back in after weigh in tonight.